The American Dream

I rarely have this daydream, but when I do, I know I've really sunk to a new level of depression.

In this daydream, I am a very rich, powerful woman. No one fucks with me, and if they do, I have teams of lawyers , secretaries, personal assistants and henchmen... errrr, bodyguards, to "get rid of the problem" as per popular Mafia language. DMX is my personal rapster, and I can call him at midnight and have him write and record a badass rap song about whoever is pissing me off, by the next day the radio stations are playing it, and by the end of the week, I've had my team of lawyers work the offender over so hard that I've totally financially and emotionally devastated my foe. I'd leave them withjust enough money to eke out a crappy existence in social exclusion, disenfranchised from most avenues of power and privilege, and make them personally supplicate on bended knee, but to one of my personal bodyguards, because I'm off traveling the world and don't have time to take the ass-kissing personally.

Money would never be an object again, and while I'm much too solidly middle-class now to do anything but become gauche nouveau riche American aristocracy, I'd at least not have to worry about all the things you worry about when money is in issue.'' I'd be able to donate large sums of money to worthy causes but never actually do any of the scut work. Trips to the spa would become regular instead of a luxury, I'd have nice clothes and shoes (and someone to wash the clothes, iron them, and put them away), I'd be able to buy pretty jewerly I want "just because." I could buy a sexy luxury car or two...

But then I think that person and that life isn't at all I'd want, and because I'm so used to being poor by American economic standards (a standard of living that is vastly superior in some respects compared to most of the people on the planet, which is why this discussion is merely academic, may I add) I really have very simple, if on the finer points, impossible dreams. (And by "vastly superior" I don't mean to take the elitist view, because I think America is fucked up and full of a fuck-ups. I just mean I have access to shelter, food, electricity, water, medical care, education, transportation, and other things that I take for granted, whilst others can't make enough to feed their starving family of eight, let alone dream about formal education and basic medical care.)

My Ideal Life, by Jamie (to be followed by "What I Did This Summer")

In my ideal dream life, I would have a house in the country, but yet not. Kind of like Brentwood-is-to-Nashville. It's basically an extension of Nashville, but you're right smack dab in the middle of very pretty, country land. There I would have a large amount of property, and I could keep a full of abandoned pets. On the other hand, nearly ever day in Nashville, I ran by a stone-faced house with a large front yard (picket fence!). If I ran early enough, the elderly lady who owned the place would be sitting on her front porch, watching her dog play in the yard, and she used to wave at me, and I to her (can't remember when that's ever happened here. I always hoped one day I'd be able to buy that house, if I moved back. Silly, isn't it?

In this house, I'd like to have two rooms: a library and a conservatory with a Steinway grand piano (I've wanted this as a part of my house since I was about nine-years-old). I'd have floor-to-ceiling shelves of well-loved books, reference materials... and a comfy couch and good lighting by which to read them. Someone would come in and clean and do my laundry. It'd have beautiful hardwood floors.

I'd be able to jog for as long and as far as I wished without getting hit by a car, cat-called, or stared at rudely. I'd be able to have children, but still go to work a couple days a week if the mood struck me. The winters would never get very cold or last very long, and the spring, summer and fall would be pretty and cheery.

I'd have enough money not to worry about paying the bills, and just enough that I could drop money on a plane ticket to see my parents, or splurge on my family and friends whenever I liked without having to work overttime. I'd have excellent medical insurance and never have to worry that I won't be sent for a crucial diagnostic test only to have my plan reject it and make me wait another thirty days. I'd be able to get a manicure and pedicure and a massage at least once a month. I could spend money on knitting, books, and music knowing full well I've no staggering monthly loan debt to pay off. I'd be able to buy some nice, expensive clothes if I wanted, on occasion.

Most of all, I could stay home, sit in my room, and not be bothered by people.

I'm not a social person, although nursing has forced me to be more gregarious. I am painfully socially awkward and shy, and, probably a hang-over from adolescence, always have a bad feeling people think I'm a dipshit, which no doubt some people do. I don't really like being around crowds of people, I hate traffic (ever since my car accident in 2004 I haven't really felt safe in a car, and highway driving is not something I enjoy doing any more) and when it comes right down to it, it probably wouldn't bother me very much if I didn't talk to people other than my husband and family for days on end.

I like spending a lot of time alone. Is this wrong? Am I hiding from life? Maybe, but also, maybe not. I do like to think environment plays a part (freezing weather for months doesn't make outside look enticing at all) but all-in-all, if I were in prison, I'd probably act out just enough to buy days in solitary confinement, where I could just marathon sleep.

Speaking of which, time for bed.

Okay, so maybe not.

But if someone would tell me what the objective point of getting out of bed and making a living is, I'd like to know, because seriously, I really could just sit at home all day and be happy. No one to yell, no one to get angry, no one to be pissed off at for being inefficient, rude, lazy or incompetent.