True Lies

...and other things Human Resources will tell you.

I had a funny dream last night. I scaled a pyramid at the top of which was a stack of books that I then had to arrange into some kind of pattern... I'm not sure what was supposed to happen after that, except I was supposed to scale back down the pyramid, and it was then I lost my nerve, because I am afraid of heights, and having to go back down anything (like a set of stairs, for instance) in my dreams is sheer terror.

I'm sure this is some sardonic parallel to my real life, something about having climbed to the pinnacle of crappiness only to realize the only way off said high spot is either a) to jump to certain death b) climb right back down the uncertain descent of doom.

I also had a Lost World type sequence with a T. Rex, I think, but maybe I have an improperly digested bedtime snack to blame on that one.

I don't quite know what to do with myself any more. Professionally, I feel disillusioned and am trying desperately not to feel bitter and resentful, but maybe I should just feel bitter and resentful and get on with it. Personally, on an intellectual level, I feel starved and belittled, and crave some kind of recognition of my right to free thinking (this having to tow the corporate line, 'round the clock ass-kissing wasn't what I was cut out for). No wonder people much smarter than me are perceived as lunatics and off themselves; I can't imagine being truly brilliant and having to explain yourself to a self-serving, self-promoting corporate entity without committing at least metaphorical suicide. I myself am having difficulty swallowing the fact that years worth of college and graduate school could have been effectively bypassed, because what the real world wants of me is not free-thinking and critical judgement but effectively to sit down, shut up, and not ask questions of the establishment.

Being true to oneself is a lot more political than one would think. It actually requires a duplicity I outright reject on a philosophical basis but as time goes on am finding more and more necessary to survive/not get fired for budging my toe out of corporate line. I personally think I've already been blacklisted as the "not a team player" type because I've managed not to be able to keep my mouth shut about the indignity of having to kiss arse when being abused by whoever sees fit.

So the trick to survival is to nod and smile, and in your mind simultaneously conjure an image of you on a beach in Malibu sipping a mai tai and watching the sun set. It's completely repellent, not to mention antithetical to my nature, but the fact is no one gives a shit about what I think, and never will. Cherish true education, people, because I think it is the only means I've ever encountered that actually validates and nourishes one's intellect and critical thinking skills, as opposed to ruthlessly oppressing same.

And if you ever think being in health care would be a great career because you would get to "help people," remember all the assholes out there that have ever given you the bird after they've cut you off in rush hour traffic, broke into your car, wrenched out your brandnew stereo with a crowbar, embezzled stockholders out of millions, commited adultery with your spouse, and pronounced "nuclear" incorrectly and realize it would be your honor-bound professional duty to save their scumbag lives, even as they call you a "motherfucking idiot" before they crash their pressures and code.

Sometimes I think I should have just been a police officer. At least I'd be able to tazer a few of the assholes in the world, instead of defibrillate them back to life.