Da Bomb

So I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone last night, and we were talking about what a cluster fuck work is, and then I mention our new, post 9/11 bomb threat policy, of which she was formerly unaware.

Basically, we were told in orientation that because of 9/11, in the event of a bomb threat, we as an institution will no longer be using qualified firefighters, FBI bomb squads, or police SWAT teams to find a bomb. (Don't you notice how every time authorities want the public to sign away their life, they preface whatever horrible, nefarious exploitative cost-cutting scheme they have up their sleeve with a post-terror-attack all American guilt trip?)

We will instead, be using the fabulously versatile, jack-and-jill-of-all-trades hospital staff. Esentially, we were told by the Director of Security, we , the nurses, housekeepers, dietary staff, etc, were the bomb squad. (Meanwhile, I suspect the CEOs and other useless executive types get whisked away all secret service style because if the place doesn't blow up, who will continue to drive it into the ground financially if not executive management?)

Yes, folks, feel safe and comfortable during your next hospital admission, knowing that your friendly neighborhood nurse is also bomb bait.

They actually told us that "We [the hospital staff] know our surronding spaces better than some outsider, so we'd be more likely to know if that package in your nursing manager's room is full of porn, cocaine, Girl scout cookies, firearms, or a self-detonating time bomb."

Well, they didn't say porn, cocaine, but they were serious about the bomb part. And any ways, I was thinking, "Half the time I can't find stocked supplies on my own fucking home floor, and you want me to go rifling through my manager's stuff for a bomb? Other than the overt legal liability, doesn't any one see a hornets nest of potential conflict-of-interests/litigation here?

No seriously. We're more qualified to be offered up as bait rather than people who spend years at Quantico learning actual bomb threat/detonation skills. And we'd be happy to know that the police, fire department, and bomb squad would be "patroling the perimeter"--eg blockading the ghetto from a safe two square mile distance away, until we find the bomb.

Secretely, I think they just want to blow us all up and write off the damage. Then, they will all posthumously dock our last paychecks for "dereliction of duty in neglecting to find the bomb" and write us all up for "deserting our patients" and find a way to not pay out our life insurance because they find our bomb-searching activities to be "engaging in harmful, unauthorized activities out of the nursing scope of practice."

Seriously, I'd almost like a bomb threat to be called in, and the nurses not find it in time, and everybody gets blown up and dies. And then Michael Moore makes a movie and reveals that the real reason we all got blown up is because the hospital brilliantly decided to let nurses find the bomb, instead of the obvious choice, eg trained bomb squad professionals, who were too busy saving their own asses "in case another part of the city gets bombed." Like what, the grounds for our proposed new satellite cancer center? The other major hospital in town? Because, you know, if Mr. Angry Terrorist Guy and his pals manage to wipe out two of the biggest regional hospitals, I imagine s/he is sending a very powerful message about how smart they are and how stupid Americans continue to be.

I do think this should lame-ass policy should be leaked to the press if at all possible. I think a lot of people who send their sick, elderly parents to the ER, are considering having elective surgery or giving birth at our hospital would be very disturbed to find out that say, your baby mama's labor and delivery nurse is not only supposed to deliver your firstborn child safely into the world, but in her spare time, also deliver a hidden bomb to the appropriate authorities.

I don't think I should be paid $25.00 bucks an hour to be a bomb squad dog. I'm already everybody else's bitch, really, must the metaphor continue?